The Author Revolution® Podcast

Aligning Actions, Transforming Lives: Allyson Hawkins Ward on Parenting and Personal Growth

• Carissa Andrews • Season 1 • Episode 254

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Can aligning your actions with your core values transform your parenting and personal life? Join us for an enlightening conversation with Allyson Hawkins Ward, a senior trainer with Tony Robbins, as she shares her journey from personal loss to becoming an influential author and parenting advisor. Allyson opens up about how her mother's legacy profoundly shaped her approach to life and inspired her to write "Please Don't Come Home Except for a Visit," a heartfelt guide for parents transitioning from supervisors to trusted advisors in their children's lives.

Parenting teens is no easy feat, but Allyson introduces her revolutionary "Grit Formula"—Game Plan, Resourcefulness, Investment, and Transformation—as a roadmap for helping adolescents become self-sufficient adults. Listen to engaging anecdotes about real-life challenges and triumphs, like how a daughter's culinary journey began with a non-existent skill set and evolved out of sheer necessity. The conversation dives into the importance of letting children solve problems independently and equipping them with the tools they need for a successful transition into adulthood.

Beyond parenting, we touch on the critical role of self-care, emotional mastery, and finding creative energy through mind mapping. Allyson shares practical strategies that are not only vital for parents but also invaluable for indie authors seeking resilience and creative sustainability. Discover how living in alignment with your values can help manage guilt, set healthy boundaries, and maintain a positive outlook amid life's transitions. Tune in for a treasure trove of insights that will inspire and

The Author Revolution Podcast is evolving! Starting January 1st, join me on the Manifest Differently Podcast—a space for neurodivergent thinkers to embrace manifestation in ways that align with how we’re wired. If you’re ready to manifest on your terms, visit ManifestDifferently.com or tune in to Episode 1 at manifestdifferently.com/1.

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Go forth and start your author revolution!

Carissa Andrews:

Welcome to the Author Revolution podcast, where change is not just embraced, it's celebrated. I'm Carissa Andrews, international bestselling author, indie author coach and your navigator through the ever-evolving landscape of authorship. Are you ready to harness the power of your mind and the latest innovations in technology for your writing journey? If you're passionate about manifesting your dreams and pioneering new writing frontiers, then you're in the perfect place. Here we merge the mystical woo of writing with the exciting advancements of the modern world. We dive into the realms of mindset, manifestation and the transformative magic that occurs when you believe in the impossible. We also venture into the world of futuristic technologies and strategies, preparing you for the next chapter in your author career. Every week, we explore new ways to revolutionize your writing and publishing experience, from AI to breakthrough thinking. This podcast is your gateway to a world where creativity meets innovation. Whether you're penning your first novel or expanding your literary empire, whether you're a devotee of the pen or a digital storyteller, this podcast is where your author revolution gains momentum. So join me in this journey to continue growth and transformation. It's time to redefine what it means to be an author in today's dynamic world. This is the Author Revolution Podcast, and your author revolution starts now. Well, hi guys, welcome back to the Author Revolution Podcast.

Carissa Andrews:

In today's episode, we're diving deep into a conversation with an inspiring guest, alison Hawkins Ward. Alison is a powerful voice in the world of personal transformation and parenting, and she's known for her ability to guide women through life's toughest transitions, helping them find their way to thriving careers, balanced lives and joyful, authentic living. Her journey from overcoming personal loss and career challenges to becoming a senior trainer with Tony Robbins is nothing short of remarkable. Through her experiences, alison has not only transformed her own life, but also empowered countless women to take control of their futures and design a life they love. I'm especially excited to discuss her book Please Don't Come Home Except for a Visit, which offers a profound insight for parents navigating the tricky shift from being a supervisor to being a trusted advisor in their children's lives. That's definitely a place where I'm at right now with some of my children, but the lessons don't stop at parenting.

Carissa Andrews:

Her unique grit formula and emphasis on core values offers incredible strategies for indie authors to stay resilient, focused and creatively energized. So trust me, you won't want to miss this conversation. If you're an author looking to overcome challenges, stay true to your values or reignite your creative passion, allison's insights will be a game changer. So grab a pen, take some notes and get ready to transform your writing journey. Well, hi, allison, welcome to the Author Revolution Podcast. I'm excited to learn a little bit more about you and have a discussion today. So, before we get really into everything, do you want to start by telling us a little bit about yourself and your journey? Wow, never knew where to start with that.

Allyson Ward:

Let's see. First of all, thank you, I appreciate it. I have an opportunity to talk with you and for your married, having, you know, raising my kids and somehow squeezed in this book that I just had a passion to. I had a passion to write.

Carissa Andrews:

I love that. I love that. Well, you've also faced plenty of incredible personal and professional challenges in your life, from significant career changes to personal loss. How did these experiences shape who you are today and your approach to life and work?

Allyson Ward:

I think the thing, one of the biggest things that happened to me at a fairly young age is that my mom passed away when she was 59 years old, so this is like more than 20 years ago now. I was a young mother and my mother was my biggest supporter in terms of she was really an expert in parenting. It was an area that she devoted a lot of time in and had impressed upon me and my siblings over all of our lives, and that was a big loss for me. So it really is the two things. One, it made me think what if I only have another 22 years to live Like? What if that's the case, you know, is this how I want to live them?

Allyson Ward:

And I was in a marriage that I wasn't happy. At the time, I had thought about getting divorced before, but this actually really pushed me over that. It was like, okay, let's stop acting like we have all the time in the world, right? Yeah, maybe we don't. And that changed my perspective. And then, two, it wasn't immediately, but ultimately, the legacy that my mom left me and talking to other people, discovering that they were having a lot more parenting challenges than I was having, is what really got me to write the book.

Carissa Andrews:

I love that. So let's talk about this book. I mean, it's I'm getting the impression that a lot of this came from your mother, so it kind of ties together, which is really beautiful in the face of such a loss. But let's talk about please don't come home except to visit, which is I love the title, by the way. It's been highly praised. So, number one, what inspired you to write the book which it sounds like we kind of have a little taste of, and what key messages do you hope parents will take away from that book?

Allyson Ward:

Yeah. So the reason I started I did it is at the time I had already become an executive and executive coach. And executive coach I really worked with executives who, you know, wanted some coaching, right, not a career coach, but some more in leadership issues. And invariably somebody would come to the call and say, oh my gosh, thinking we're going to discuss their work, oh my God, my kid's home and they're laying on my couch. And they were very frustrated. They didn't seem to have any ambition.

Allyson Ward:

You know, when I was that age, I was out doing this. I had two jobs. You know, you hear that all the time, right, yeah, right. So you get to know, of course, your clients you're working with regularly and they would say you don't seem to have those same issues, right, and sometimes I would give them some coaching on the parenting, and so I realized that everybody didn't have a mom who had been like talking in my entire life in my ear about these parenting things, and so that was really the thing that got me to write that book.

Allyson Ward:

My hope is that people will see it can be a different way, right, they'll see that they can raise children, you know, and why they should want to raise children. It's interesting, you know, we live in a very different age than when I was raised, where my friends and I always joke. It's like I can't remember my mother or father ever asking me are you happy? It was like, and not that they not that they didn't want me to be happy, but it was always like you need to get this, this, this and done Right, yep, yep, you need to get it together. You need to if you want to go to college. Everything you're doing now it's going to impact, like all of those things. And and now you have this concept of your. Your children are your friends.

Allyson Ward:

That wasn't. I mean, I'm not that. That was not how I was. Right now. I was extremely close to my mother. I mean my mother and I were like thick as thieves. I mean we'd really enjoyed one of those company, but at no point did I think I was her peer. Same thing with my father. Now I see this like well, I don't want to tell them not to do this because that they might be sad. Sad is part of life, right, right, and you're not preparing them for life. So hopefully this is really giving you the tools to see things. You know it's not beating you over the head, I hope, making some compelling arguments about why this is going to benefit your children and you in the long run.

Carissa Andrews:

Absolutely. I look at my own life too, and we've got together, my husband and I. We have six kids and we've had two leave. Well, one never lived with us, but two of them have already graduated One just literally graduated a week ago and we're seeing all this transition happening and we're trying to guide them. And so I've actually gotten your book. I'm going to be reading it next and I'm so excited to do so because it's going to be. You know, I expect it to be fabulous, just based off of what the reviews were saying, based off of what I was learning about you. Obviously, I was looking forward to having this conversation so I could dig more into it. So in the book you also discuss kind of what you're discussing just now that transition from supervisor to a trusted advisor as a parent. So could you share some examples about how the shift impacted your relationship with your daughters?

Allyson Ward:

Yeah, absolutely. This is so critical. So first let me just define a little bit.

Allyson Ward:

I think we all know what a supervisor is right, we've all had a supervisor before and they're like do this, do this, this is what needs to be done. Right, they're really very dominant. It's not necessarily been dominant. They're telling you how to operate your life. A trusted advisor is a term I took from my time at IBM. Right, if you're in sales or you're in consulting, or perhaps even a lawyer, your whole goal is to develop a relationship with your clients that have trusted advisor. So I'm not just here to sell you something. I'm here to really help you look out for what's best for your business, your challenge, whatever it is right. So that's where the term comes from. I want to be in that position where you see me as a part of your team and you see me as not only being part of your team, but I have some information, some skills, some something that I can add to your goals, your benefits, but it's still your goals and benefits. And that's the difference between supervisor and trusted advisor.

Allyson Ward:

There's a recognition now that the child is the person saying okay, here's what I want to do. Now you don't even have to agree with it, right, because at some point, this is how they exert their independence. But it's like okay, well, if that's your goal. What resources can maybe I bring to bear? Right, and that's really the difference. And I would say that it kind of happens over time.

Allyson Ward:

But by the time children get their driving license which in Maryland, where we live, is 16 years old, there's gotta be, you know, some shift at that point, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, they have so much more dependence, right, right. And so my kids would say when they were at that age, they'd say mom, can I do? Fill in the blank? And I started transitioning and I'd say I don't know, can you meaning, have you done the things? Have you done your school? Like, you know what you need to do, have you done these things? Well then, you can watch tv, go to your friends, whatever the thing is. But I started to start saying, like, I don't know what do you think? Right, turning it back on them, so I'm no longer that person, because I don't, you don't want to turn them loose at 18. They've never made a decision on their own, right? They leave the house to go off to college or military or trade school, whatever that is for them, whatever their next path is, or a job, whatever that is, and they've never made a decision on their own.

Carissa Andrews:

Yeah, that would be a frightening, frightening concept. And they've never made a decision on their own. Yeah, that would be a frightening, frightening concept. I think it happens a lot, though I think it must. Yeah, I've seen friends or other people talk about that. Myself, just looking at it from the outside perspective and going, oh my gosh, like they're going to college and they don't even know how to cook a pizza or anything, like they don't know how to do their laundry. How is this going to work? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a little bit daunting and scary, but not only as the parent, but also as the kid, I would imagine, because they're going to go in and have no concept of what is the real world.

Allyson Ward:

Yeah, you know it's funny. On the one hand you know, this is what I always say. People always say, oh, my God, god, allison, you're such an amazing parent. Like you hear that all the time and that's really nice and I say thank you and I appreciate the recognition because I've worked really hard at it. In addition to having my mom, I have read, I have studied, I really put a lot in it, so I appreciate that, I recognize and I also realized I've made so many mistakes. Right, it's just part of life, right, right, um, I will tell you it's funny.

Allyson Ward:

My younger daughter could not cook when she went to college, like could not cook anything, and I realized that part of my joy in um, preparing meals for my girls and sharing that time together. I really didn't ever teach them how to cook. So, and my older one I don't know how she adopted some things, but my younger one, it was so funny. She's actually now a wonderful cook. She finally came around to well, I only have so much money when she got out of the dorms and she was living in an apartment and she really couldn't cook the first year. But but again, children adapt, right, yeah, they can figure it out. I didn't say well, here's the money to go out and eat every day. She worked on an arrangement with her roommate where her roommate was a great cook and Kendall had grocery money. So Kendall bought the groceries and the roommate cooked. Yeah, and they didn't live together senior year, and so she had to figure out how to cook, and actually now she's quite accomplished.

Carissa Andrews:

Isn't that interesting too, like I think a lot of parents need to hear that too. So even if you do miss a step or miss something that maybe you could have taught, it could still work its way out, because eventually that child's going to be like, oh I really need this skill, and they're going to go acquire it just like you would if you're learning something new and you're trying on something else. Like they'll adapt. You don't have to be the be-all, end-all of everything, but at some point they have to take responsibility for what they learn.

Allyson Ward:

My father used to have an expression which is one of his. I always say like oh, he's had some great expressions. If we were to call him and say you know, when you're younger with a challenge, he'd say well, if I wasn't here, how you'd figure that out? That's so good, how did you solve that if I wasn't here, because usually it was. We were asking for something that required money yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm always the one that's going.

Carissa Andrews:

Uh, I don't know what does alexa say, because usually it's something very simple, and I'm like why are you asking me when there's an alexa right there like well, there's that too, that's it but that's a little bit newer, so I I get it, but yeah, it's, it's very interesting. It's like trying to give them tools where it's like what, what would you do exactly? What would you do if I'm not here?

Allyson Ward:

yeah, what's that's?

Carissa Andrews:

so many tools.

Allyson Ward:

How would you solve it? Let's unpack it. He didn't do all of that, but he did. He's like, what would you do first then? What would you do? Right, and that's something you can do to help. So, instead of just saying, okay, I don, I don't know who would you call, well, okay, I could call this, you know, walk them through it.

Carissa Andrews:

Yeah, yeah, at least the first couple of times. Yeah, yeah, give them that tool and help them to figure it out. So, okay, you, you introduced and I think probably this is going to tie back around to the grit formula in your book to guide teens to becoming independent adults. First of all, can you explain the formula and, second of all, can you explain how authors could use it, or how authors who are parents could use it, like how, how does that work? Yeah, sure.

Allyson Ward:

So the process of getting there and helping your teens is the grit formula, and that means first starting the game plan right, then becoming resourceful. I stands for investment and that's really kind of the financial piece knowing your numbers, what are your goals like, understanding all of that, what are the impact of your decisions on your finances. And then, finally, transformation is what I call. Is really the communication piece right and in the book? Well, in the book it really goes about how you're going to communicate in this new paradigm where your child is now away at college or military or wherever they've gone out of your house. Now, how are you going to?

Allyson Ward:

continue to? How are you going to continue to support one another? So let's start with game plan. So game plan, you know, begin with the end in mind. Anybody who's a Stephen Covey fan out there who's heard that expression before? Begin with the end in mind. Most people don't do that, in my experience. Right right, and coaching people that I work with, they're like oh well, I'm unhappy or I'm this. Okay. Well, what would you like instead? I don't know.

Carissa Andrews:

Well then, no wonder you can't get there.

Allyson Ward:

Well, you can be nothing but unhappy because you don't even know if you've attained a goal that you aspire to attain, right? So it's like, okay, well, what's the game plan? So beginning with the game plan is so important, especially now with the cost of college. Even if you're going to a state school, it's extremely expensive. I talked to my friends in other countries and they were like I can't even imagine how much money we spend on college. And so you're having a conversation with them about look, if I'm about to plunk down or get loans or however you're going to do, it is this. I mean, what's the game plan? What do you do when you graduate college? And everybody's not going to have that bait, right, but having raising it in their consciousness that there's an end result. This is not just because it's the next natural step, right, it makes the student more aware of that. So, having that game. Same thing when you're writing, like, what's your game plan? What's your outcome by writing this book? Why are you writing the book, right? What's it going?

Allyson Ward:

to mean to you when you write it? Are you writing it because you want to make millions of dollars? Are you writing it because you just have a story? That's not like? What is your outcome? Who's it going to help? Like, understanding that is paramount because when you're have a job, have children, like, have other responsibilities, that book, unless you're clear about what your ultimate outcome, is never going to get written Right.

Carissa Andrews:

Right.

Allyson Ward:

Right. So having a kind of a your game plan which starts with your ultimate outcome is is crucial. Resourcefulness, you know kids need to, uh, learn that skill. They can be resourceful, but it's a skill they need to develop and so not giving them the answer all the time, no, I don't. I mean I grew, mean, I grew up in and you'd say, mom, how do you spell so-and-so? And they'd say, look it up. You'd be like, well, I don't know how to look it up, I don't know how to spell it. Figure it out, right, right, right. Like you said, they would just go to Alexa, how do you spell this? Or you know whatever. But even that's a sign of resourcefulness, right, they can figure something out, right.

Allyson Ward:

There are different tools today, but rather than you saying, oh, you spell it, x, y, you know. However you spell it, it's like let them be resourceful, right. So I have a whole chapter on there and resourcefulness, same thing with writing a book. You know what are the things that you need to write your book. You know what are the tools that you need. Who can you call upon? How can you get an editor? Can you do a swap with somebody? You know, maybe it's somebody else who's writing a book and you can edit one another's book Like what? Be resourceful. Everything doesn't have to be money out of your pocket, so be resourceful to find the tools.

Allyson Ward:

So good investment again too. If you're going to. Let's say you have the luxury of taking time off of work because you want to finish a book, let's say, okay, great, how long is it going to take you? How much money do you have saved up? Can you afford to take that time off? What's the impact on your household? But like understanding the financial impact of how you're approaching it is, that'd be very that's very smart.

Allyson Ward:

Yeah, absolutely and then also, I would say, as it relates to writing a book for the commute, for the transformation, which is really all about communication, I would say in this case it's more about how am I going to get the word out about my book? Am I going to get all my friends to make posts, you know? Am I going to seek to be on TV, like to promote the book? What are? What am I before I even get started? How am I going to communicate this? What's my plan? Right Again, that kind of ties back to the game plan. What's my ultimate goal in writing this book and how am I going to? You know, how am I going to get the word?

Carissa Andrews:

out. Yeah, that's so good, and in a lot of ways, I teach manifestation for authors as well. So we look at things from a manifestation and sometimes even quantum physics level, depending on the type of person, and so, looking at it from that perspective, it's truly the same kind of concept where I teach it, where there's three steps. The first one is decide and you have, you need to decide what you're doing, where it is you're going that same thing as game plan right. Step two is locking in the vibe, trusting that it's already yours, that you can find and be resourceful enough to figure out everything that's coming into place. And then step three is taking that inspired action that comes about from having already claimed the decision and so a lot of those other things.

Carissa Andrews:

Like you know, the transformation comes from taking the action, and investment, I think, is so key because we need to invest not only in ourselves and what we're doing, but also pay attention, like you said, to our money and how we're putting our money in and out of things. Is this a smart investment? Should I be putting money in editing, for instance, or should I be putting money in ads? Whatever? It's so key and so I love when things match up. It just makes me happy. So I'm like, oh, it's so cool, I love that so much. Okay, so let's talk about core values, because you talk about how core values and desires are crucial. How can indie authors identify and stay true to their core values in the writing journey, in what they're doing, especially when they're faced with external pressures and expectations? Let's say they have a kid that's going to college, or they're trying to do something and it's not quite working. Do you have any advice there?

Allyson Ward:

Yeah, I think you know again the why you're doing it is absolutely critical right. Once you know why you're doing it, why is it important for you to get this word on paper, so to speak? That's the first part of it and, I think, your values assessment. You know I really am clear on my values and I live my values every day. I live my values every day, but I think taking the time to figure out what's important to me right and why that ties very closely to your why.

Allyson Ward:

Like for me, I always, when I got divorced, I wanted to make sure that I was raising happy, healthy, smart, contributing young women in the world, and so all the decisions that I made, the sacrifices I made, didn't really feel there were sacrifices to others, but to me it was like but my goal is to do this Right. This is where I'm trying to go and okay, if I don't buy a designer purse, I don't feel a loss. I feel like, okay, but I've contributed more to the college fund for my kids. It literally wasn't a loss, where other friends of mine might have said, oh well, like you should have a Z kind of a handbag, because that's the bag, or whatever, take the trip or have a more expensive car, whatever it is. When you're clear and your values are aligned, it makes all the other stuff easier.

Carissa Andrews:

It's kind of interesting You're saying that too. I'm in the process. I'm almost finished reading Rich Dad, poor Dad which is why I haven't started your book yet and he talks an awful lot about having more in the assets column than in your expenses and things like that, or liabilities which the car and the fancy personal. Your values, then, would be putting your money into the asset of your children, into the next generation, because that is an important asset and I think that's so key. When we can look at our impact into the world and what we're trying to do and we're focusing on those assets and then focusing on your values too. It's almost like you then put your energy where the most important things are first and then anything else that happens to come into your purview. Then you can try to figure out if they fit Right. That is a hundred percent true.

Allyson Ward:

So so that's actually something I teach with my coaching clients, because it's like, once you get clear on those goals, everything from all of your resources that you're spending, which people always think my money, money, your time is your greatest resource. So all of those things, it's like, okay, how am I going to spend my time? Is it aligned to my ultimate goal, my values? Because if not it becomes so much easier to say no oh right people are like well, I can't say no.

Allyson Ward:

Well, you can say no if it doesn't align with where you're going. But if you don't know where you're going, you're not not clearing your values. Then it makes it much more difficult to right, to attain things.

Carissa Andrews:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if you're just focused on making money and you don't know how you actually want to make money, for instance, you're going to just take everything that's coming your way and kind of be scattered and diffused and not know what the heck you're doing or why you're doing it. Yes, that makes total sense to me and I think a lot of authors. I don't know how much you know about the indie author sphere. Did you publish traditionally or did you?

Allyson Ward:

publish yourself, I published myself.

Carissa Andrews:

Okay, okay. So then you know what I'm talking about. But with indie authors, particularly in fiction, we have this thing called rapid releasing, where a lot of authors are releasing books a book a month, sometimes a book every two weeks. I mean, they're writing very, very quickly and some people it aligns perfectly with their values, it aligns perfectly with how they love to write and the things that they're doing, and for others, they're just trying to chase the dollar doing it, and it's like knowing what your actual values are and how you operate is so, so key and critical, and I think it's so good that people like you are teaching that, not not only for entrepreneurs or for executives, but like for for my audience to listen and hear that too, because it's it's important to really lock into that. Yeah.

Carissa Andrews:

Yeah, yeah, no, I definitely, I definitely agree, I definitely agree with you and it kind of ties into my next question because you emphasize self-care right and setting boundaries. So how can authors incorporate these practices into their daily routines to boost their creativity, their productivity? Does it tie back around I'm assuming it does to your book and the way that you teach parents with their kids?

Allyson Ward:

yes, that's one of the things I talk about. You know I, I, you hear people say, well, I have to be there and do all these things for my kids. And you know it's always, and particularly with moms I'm not saying dads don't do it it seems to be more a challenge with women, where they're like you know it's, this becomes this very murderous behavior. And when I, when I speak to women who are doing that and I say is this the behavior you would like to your younger child, your, your son or daughter, to behave to, to do right, to give up all things that you're interested in for the pursuit of making them happy and, quote-unquote, whole right, is that the behavior you'd want for them? And of course, no, you're like, no, they need to take a break, they need to have time with their friends, they need to have activities, enjoy. So do you right, right, so so do you.

Allyson Ward:

You know I, I, my husband, always says, like you're the hardest working person without a job. That I know. But and it's true, like I do, I can. I can work a lot of hours, but I enjoy that. Yeah, I do it because I enjoy doing it right. Not that I don't need or want money? Of course I do, but I also do things that inspire me. I study things, I learn things that inspire me and then I can bring those forward to you know, clients or or whatever you know share with people in my life, and so I make that a priority. But what looks like self-care is not the same for everybody. So self-care doesn't mean getting my nails done. Self-care is not necessarily getting my hair done. I get my hair and my nails done because it's important to me how I present myself to the world. That's actually not something that I love for self-care. Taking time for a walk every morning, like I do now around the lake that is self-care. I love that Taking that time for myself and in like.

Carissa Andrews:

I do now around the lake that is self-care.

Allyson Ward:

I love that taking that time for myself and in my book I talk about. You know, this is something you can start to explain, even with young children, where you say, you know what mom is going to have an hour for herself. And you can even engage young children with helping draw the bath, putting out the things, perhaps, that you enjoy when you take the bath and letting them know for the next hour this is mom's time, yeah, right, yeah. And so you're explaining to them this is, you know, this is the way things are. You're modeling for them I guess it's a better word. You're modeling for them what you'd like them to do. You're letting them know this is important and that you too are important. Everything can't be all about the kid all the time. That's why we have such selfish kids. It's like, well, this is my time, and don't you want them to have a nice time too? Oh, of course they do, but they don't occur to them unless you train them that way.

Carissa Andrews:

Yeah, and you show them that and highlight it. I'm curious do you ever notice a difference between moms who are in like a stereotypical relationship where, like the parents are together, kids are happy, versus like a separated, divorced and or like joined family, like is there a different dynamic with the way that they take care of themselves or they work differently with children that you recommend or is it?

Allyson Ward:

I don't think it has anything to do with what they're married if they're in a traditional home. I think it's more. It's more mindset sure there's 100 mindset. It's like if you decide that you're important, right you're, you're taking care of yourself, and again it's. This is. This is not a selfish thing. This is goes back to the old adage on the airplane put your mask on first before you can help the person who's traveling with you.

Allyson Ward:

Yeah, so if that is your mindset like now, as I was a single mom for a long time and certainly now that I'm remarried and my husband is such a great contributor financially in terms of loving and caring for my girls, like all of those things you know it's great to have that partnership and I am the same person and my approach hasn't changed. Now was it a little bit harder as a single mom Because it was only me. It was harder to get that time off, but I figured it out.

Carissa Andrews:

Right, that's so good. That's so good Cause I know I have different author friends who have either a lot of kids or they have, you know, a broken household or whatever, and they're they're always trying to overcompensate and I'm always like but you have to do things for you, you know you. Yeah, I'm right there with you.

Allyson Ward:

And when you read the book you'll see I have a story, kind of a case study, in there. I'm glad you said that that is one of the worst things you can do. People feel like, like, well, I feel guilty because their dad's not leaving in the house, or why?

Carissa Andrews:

yeah, you don't need to feel guilty.

Allyson Ward:

You that put that aside, because what that does?

Allyson Ward:

it causes you to overcompensate in ways that are not serving you and are not serving your children absolutely you can't be like, oh well, I'm gonna let them stay up a little bit later, I'm gonna have them have more candy or whatever, because I feel guilty, because I had to work late today. No life mom had to work late so I can provide for us to go on vacation next month. I'm taking on some extra hours, extra projects, so we can do this fun thing. They totally need to understand there's a cause and effect of all the decisions you make.

Carissa Andrews:

Yeah, yeah.

Allyson Ward:

Life is a study of consequences, the sooner they understand that and you can share that and sharing the decisions that you're making. There's a fine line between sharing inappropriate adult conversations. That's not what I'm talking about. You know, if you're like thinking you're going to be kicked out of your house next month because you haven't paid your work in six months, that's not necessarily a thing you need to share with your kid, right, they don't need to be stressed out going to school and whatever. But the same token, if you're taking on extra work so you can provide for a nice vacation, they should know that. Yeah, so so there's yeah.

Carissa Andrews:

So there's that fine line that makes total sense. I like that a lot and I think it when I look at my life. We have a blended family and it's it's always been really important to me to make sure that they see me doing the things that are me, the things that I enjoy. So I read in the morning, I go do my meditation, I do my workout, I uh will do walks, whatever, and then we still have our time together and it's typically, you know, toward the end of the day. Maybe it's after school or it's after dinner or whatever, but it's all about helping them to see that, yeah, you or I or anyone else, we need to maintain our level of self so that we can be the best person for everybody else. Yeah, yeah, so good, okay.

Carissa Andrews:

So transitions let's talk about those, because whether it's a career change or shift in personal life, it can always be daunting, and authors are no different. Like we all have things that come in and change things. It could be a health concern, a crazy thing, whatever. What strategies do you recommend for people who are in that transitional phase and how do they maintain like if they're an author, create their creative momentum during those types of moments?

Allyson Ward:

Yep. So I think the first thing that we all need to recognize is change is a constant. I mean if, if and if things are going great right now, it's about to change. If things are going horrible right now, it's about to change.

Allyson Ward:

Yes, and so your ability to have what I call emotional mastery, which means how I process things, is always empowering, right? So if something, something goes wrong, I give it an empowering meaning. What did I learn? How do I do that? What did I learn right? Great, I can take this forward to another situation. Right, I'm supposed to get this lesson, supposed to learn this thing? I look at it that way, versus like, oh my god, why this happened to me and then go down the pity spiral which is not helping you.

Allyson Ward:

No, I'm not saying things don't happen. That are horrible and you can't take a minute to feel sorry about them. I have had a lot of loss and you know I still miss the people, but I work to make positive meanings for them, like losing my mom at such a young age, which, of course, is very unfair, and I'm you know, she's my best friend. I feel very sad about that, but I also think of how can I honor her. I keep her memory alive in the minds of my children by sharing funny stories on a regular basis, right, and so all of those things are really important. So I would say emotional mastery is the biggest thing that people could do so that they're not sucked down when things don't go according to plan, because things very rarely go according to plan.

Carissa Andrews:

Right right, no matter how much you plan, it will go sideways a little bit. Yeah, it doesn't.

Allyson Ward:

You know it's great if you have an A, B and C. I always say I'm the A, b, c, d girl plan. I got a couple of plans, right, if this doesn't go, I got this, I got. You know, I have a couple of good plans, but still it's like when I think about what can I learn from the situation? Right, yep.

Carissa Andrews:

I love that. One of the questions I ask myself often, like especially if things go a little bit sideways is how can I see things differently, how can I view this thing differently? And sometimes it'll come to you in a meditation, or sometimes it'll come to you right away and sometimes you're just stuck and it's like I actually I love chat GPT lately because I can ask chat how can I view this situation that just unfolded differently?

Allyson Ward:

And it will give it actually helps you take a different perspective on what just happened and how you can, how you can do it differently, like how can I put this in a positive spin so good and I would say one more thing on top of your chat gpt, because that's I, I'm, I would say I'm somebody who's very advanced using chat gpt because I work with some businesses to help them uh, 10 point. But the thing that I would say too is kind of I would put a top on that and say, imagine you're right like the most optimistic person in the world or the most, whatever problem solver person. And now how can I see this right?

Carissa Andrews:

yeah, and I love that I would.

Allyson Ward:

I would say that you, we technically very similar. I always say what else could this mean? What else does this mean? I know that I'm angry, upset, disappointed, whatever those disempowering emotions are, but what else could this mean? Right, that's a question.

Carissa Andrews:

I ask myself and I love that too Like you do have to take a moment, because I don't think you can have that mental shift to go into that question yet until you process through the emotion that's actually coming up, of frustration or anger, of disappointment, whatever it is. But once you push through it now, all of a sudden it's like okay, I felt that I, I've been there. Now, how, how can I shift it? Because I'm not going to stay stuck there now and that's when that that new energy comes in.

Allyson Ward:

Yeah, and I think part of that important thing too is what this is. One day I work with my clients too. We do this. I do this kind of annual review process and it's like what went great? And get clear, why did it go great? What did I love about it? Right, because I can replicate that. And then right, right. And then one of the other questions is what went horribly wrong or just didn't go? What to how you? What can you learn from that? Because if you don't take a minute to figure out what you're supposed to learn from it, you're probably going to repeat it again.

Carissa Andrews:

Yep, yep, right, oh yeah, yeah, cause if you haven't even taken the moment to view it or think about it and process through it, it's just going to come back around because you're you're operating from your subconscious mind and bringing the same kind of things into your world for sure, oh goodness, okay. So speaking of that sort of thing and feeling stuck, let's talk about that. For others who feel stuck or disconnected from their passion, what steps can they take to reignite their love of writing, of doing whatever it is that they love to do with their busy lives? Much like you would advise a parent or one of your clients.

Allyson Ward:

I'll share two approaches that I've taken in my life that have served me well. When one is is just trying new things right, and when you have, I think, one outlet that brings you a lot of joy that flows into all other areas of your life. So if you take the time to go to the dance class, to sing in the choir, to whatever that kind of creative expression is for you, that tends to elevate all things in your life.

Carissa Andrews:

Yeah, yeah.

Allyson Ward:

So I would say that's the first thing. And what was my second thing? I was going to say, oh again, going back to this plan and getting clear on the why. You know, I, when I wrote my book it's funny I was writing for a long time, not making any progress, and one day I remember sitting home, the job I had at IBM at the time was a job that I did not care for and I did not care for the management team. It was just the wrong job for me and I was very unhappy. And I'd been there for 20 years and most of my career at IBM was phenomenal, but this job was not a good fit for me. Somehow in my mind I associated that when I write this book, I can leave. I don't know why. It wasn't that I thought I was going to earn millions of dollars. That wasn't the thing For some reason. I just had that in my head and I also knew if I didn't do something radical to get that book written and something I was never going to get there, I was never going to write this book. I remember it was yesterday, it was like January, cold, snowy day, Saturday afternoon, and I was so frustrated, Reached out to a friend and she said here's an approach I use that I found very useful and include using a mind map to organize my book.

Allyson Ward:

So she said, and her advice was do the mind map and all you do is the mind map. Don't write anything, just map it out. Map it out however long that takes, and then when you have the branch of the mind map, when you have a couple of hours, just write that, Just write that. So that's how I wrote my whole book. Once I got that mind map set up, it was quick. Like you could find me at a Saturday afternoon, I go to the library, I'd spend two hours and I pick a branch and I would just write. I love that, Wouldn't revisit it, Right, I just took it all, put it like where it belongs in the book and sent it to my editor. But again, it really, really started to flow once I got that process in place.

Carissa Andrews:

That's so good. When I'm teaching authors how to do their series, for instance, we do mind maps first to be able to get like what is it that they're trying to relay out? Like, what is it that they're trying to talk about, whether it be in fiction or nonfiction, and we always start with the genre and center and then go from there with the spokes, and I love that. Mind maps are incredible tools when it comes to getting getting that mess of jumbled information out of your brain.

Allyson Ward:

It's so good, yes, and then putting it into some organization and some structure. Right, you have all these ideas. But I was just showing my mind map to somebody the other day and it's like I'm looking at it, this is I wrote this book six years ago or more. And I look at it. It's like, oh, I can see, exactly I had this, I had this, I had this, and exactly I had this, I had this.

Carissa Andrews:

I had this and I'm like that's pretty good, right, right, it's so good. And now you have a process that you can use for the next book, right, well?

Allyson Ward:

I am, and I have two books in my mind right now. The one I probably will really I intend to get written this summer.

Carissa Andrews:

So that'll be definitely, that'll definitely be but it'll be written by the fall for sure, so good.

Allyson Ward:

What is it called? Can we find out? I don't. I don't have the name of the book yet. It's really my passion is on leadership right and specifically in communication skills and how your communication skills really can make you more empowered leader. And, as a friend of mine pointed out, the parenting book is about leadership too. That's long been my passion right.

Carissa Andrews:

It's like being a leader in your home as it relates to raising your kids.

Allyson Ward:

So this is kind of more of the same. And then my other book that I have that I'm also formulating in my head, is really more about the women that I work with. I have a program called Good to Greatness and I want to write a companion book for that to just everybody. Can't take the time or whatever to do the course with me, but if I can show them the steps in this book of how do you because when women get to a certain age, because we've been taking care of our kids, you're going to having their careers, we've been taking care of spouses or an elderly parent, or that you know this goes on and on all our responsibilities. Often when people get to about 4550 years old, they're like oh, wait, a minute.

Allyson Ward:

What do I like? Again, right, right, right. And it's the reason it's that age is because either a marital status change, a job change, you may have lost their job, perhaps their kids are going off, they've lost a parent All of those things happen around that age. That causes this like questioning of identity. Wait, who am I Like? It's been so long that I've thought about what I like, what I want. I've forgotten how to do it.

Carissa Andrews:

Right.

Carissa Andrews:

Right, I can definitely understand that, even when you do do the things that you like because I look at it from, like, the perspective of my career, where I've been in writing and publishing now for the past 12 years and you still get to a point where you're like, do I still like this, like, do I still want to be here, do I still want to be doing this thing.

Carissa Andrews:

But usually, based off of that, it's like you'll cycle back around and there's still elements you want to continue doing and maybe there's pieces that need to fall away, but the majority of it you realize that there's still layers of you and that now okay, now I see myself clearer, now I see the things I like most, and then you can kind of just pivot a bit and keep going and having fun with it. Yes, that's really cool. So, on a lighter note, because you often share joyful moments with your daughters, like dancing on social media. I love this. How important do you think that joy and playfulness are in maintaining a creative energy for people or authors or I honestly think people in general, but authors as well energy for people or authors, or I?

Allyson Ward:

honestly think, people in general, but authors as well, so people who know me and I've had people who do my courses because they say you know, something I sense about you is that you're always having fun, and that is 100% true, and I mean, obviously, every moment of every day is not fun. But I have a question that I ask myself, and we all have a question, what we call our primary question. It's a question we ask ourselves over and over again and for years. My question was how can I get it right?

Allyson Ward:

and in a way, what was great about that question was I was a striver to be better and, like you can see all the great wonderful things right. It caused me to work hard. You know, I accomplished a lot of things. I helped add a lot of value to a lot of people because I wanted to get it right. But the downside to that question is well, it assumes it's not right already presupposes that.

Allyson Ward:

And that I have to be the person to fix it, like there's all these things that presupposes that are not great. So what I changed that question to is how can I experience even more love and joy and beauty in this moment?

Allyson Ward:

So, I asked myself, particularly in times of stress, and I'll tell you how that works. One of the time I'm driving down the road with my daughters and my niece I can't remember where we're going, but we get in the car. Traffic is horrible I'm like, oh my gosh, like you know, why didn't't I leave earlier? Like I start with the beating myself up, right, because I'm trying to get it right. I want to be there on time, right, like, take a deep breath. I'm like, no, let's ask a better question. Like how can I experience more the, you know, more joy, beauty and love in this moment? Ask a better question from the different answer right, right, I'm. I know what I can do. I can put a song on that we all love, and I did that.

Allyson Ward:

And the next thing, you know, the four of us are singing. Don't go Cause. How often are the four of us together? Right, right, you know, like really enjoying this moment, because I wasn't going to get there any faster. Being like, oh, you know, holding onto that steering wheel faster. Being like, you know, holding on to that steering wheel. You know I wasn't gonna get there any faster, right, but I was gonna certainly get there in a much better emotional state so good, that is so good and so, so important.

Carissa Andrews:

I mean, wow, I think about all the times it's, you know, you're stuck in a car with someone. They're just like freaking out, and maybe it is you yourself doing it where you're like why can't they figure out the speed limit signs? But having having the option of going okay, well, how can I have more joy? What a great question to ask, and you can use that in so many different scenarios too. Every scenario.

Allyson Ward:

It's like what would make this even more fun. Like you know, my girls and I like said the dancing. We love to dance. I grew up as a ballerina, my girls were raised as dancers and when we're together, we dance. In fact, we were together this weekend and we were so busy that we did not do the dancing, but if you look at my Instagram page, you can see there are many times that we do and we're not trying to be the people that everybody follow for dancing. It's just what we love to do and we have a lot of fun practicing the dances. Usually my girls are teasing me about why I can't keep up with them, but we have a lot of fun in the process. So it's not just the end result, it's the whole journey is fun. You know the deciding, the practicing, the steps. You know the figuring out what's the formation. You know all the times that we repeat it. You know we're laughing and we're creating magic moments that we have together and we love that.

Allyson Ward:

And then, of course, it's fun to see, you know, when our friends like it and you know comment on our dance, you know. And then we even had one video go viral like 2 million views or something. Wow, so cool, crazy, right. Which is crazy. It was a Beyonce song and Beyonce's mother even posted on her page so that was kind of fun Right, so good that is so good.

Carissa Andrews:

I love that and just just because you're having fun, I think that's so great and so many people authors obviously included need to not take their take their jobs and their careers and their words so seriously, because I think life is here to be experienced and just to have joy in all those moments, right?

Allyson Ward:

And it's the journey. It's not just the end result, it's the journey. How you get there matters.

Carissa Andrews:

Yeah, absolutely Okay. So, lastly, what piece of advice do you wish you received at the start of your journey and that you believe that maybe aspiring authors could utilize or listen to or need to hear Good?

Allyson Ward:

question what advice do I wish I had? I think you know it's interesting. I'm so happy that I wrote my book. I think the thing that I wish I had thought through more carefully when I wrote that book is my own game plan. I knew that I had a game plan of getting it out there because it was a passion for me and it was a way of honoring my mom. So no regrets about that.

Allyson Ward:

I had the good fortune of doing a lot of TV interviews, you know, getting the word out there, doing speaking engagements, and that's great. But what for me again, because I was, this is doesn't really relate to fiction writers, but to nonfiction, if you have an area of expertise. What I didn't want to do and if I'd really thought about it before I would have realized this I didn't want to become a parenting coach, which is the next natural step. Right, that is a clearly obvious companion business, right, right. And so now, as I contemplate my two other books that I have in my mind, one I am a speaker, so the leadership one is a great companion piece for me to speak.

Allyson Ward:

And corporations on. So I already know that. Okay, I'm very clear about that. The same with my good to greatness. That's a program that I run every year and you know, so maybe there's additional business for it in me, in the sense that women will say, hey, this is really good, but there's nothing like immersion. I'd like to get in there and get the feedback from Alison in person and come in and the camaraderie of the other women and all the wonderful benefits of doing it in person. But again, those are kind of related businesses. So I think if I had a more complete picture of what I was going to do ultimately with it, that would have been important for me.

Carissa Andrews:

Well, it's interesting you say that, though, because the books that you're bringing in because they're all about leadership and you mentioned the parenting one is obviously about leadership as well. Once you have your, you know your list of books, your backlist of books, altogether that having your parenting book be first doesn't, it doesn't matter anymore, because now it's just another variation of leadership, and all leaders have kids, they all have things that they're going through, so now it's like a perfect companion book that they need to read as a leader. So I mean, it might be a little bit out of order in terms of, like how it could have leveraged your business, but at the same time, it will all level itself out and be perfect.

Allyson Ward:

I think you're right and I think that's actually what you said is really great reminder of we can't just look at 12 months. We've got to look at 10 years, right. We've got to look a further time to measure our success in things, to measure whether or not we've attained our goals right. We might not have gotten it today, it doesn't mean it's not going to happen.

Carissa Andrews:

Right, right. And so many people want it to happen right away. Or they think that they've done the one thing and now it should happen already. But technically they have, you know, five more tools that they have to acquire before that thing can happen, or whatever. Yeah, so so good.

Allyson Ward:

I've heard it said yeah, I've heard it said before that people overestimate what they can do in a year and underestimate what they can do in five years.

Carissa Andrews:

Oh, that's a good one, that's a really good one.

Allyson Ward:

Yeah, I like that one a lot and it's such a good reminder.

Carissa Andrews:

It really is. It really is Well, Alison, where can my audience go to find out more about you, what you do? Obviously, learn more about your book. Where can they pick you up? Obviously, Instagram. They're going to need to go. Follow you on Instagram. You got to follow me on Instagram right, I mean, you got to follow me on.

Allyson Ward:

Instagram if you want to see the dancing videos right, heck, yes, and there's a lot of other content there for people to help them in their careers and their thinking and their mindset. So there's a lot of things there. Dancing is a small part of it. The other place I would say is my website is allisonwardcom. A-l-l-y-s-o-n? Ward, w-r-dcom, and I have a button on there. It's a work with me page, and on that page, one of the things that I created this little course that's a self-study program, because I do it with my paid clients.

Allyson Ward:

But this is a great way to get yourself set up for the next 12 months. What would you like to have happen? This doesn't have to be a December thing or a January thing. What do you want to do? Take a stand today and say what do I want to have happen in the next 12 months? And I have a code for you to share with your listeners, which is that they, if they want to purchase it and get $20 off and it's just podcast is the is the code they can put in so they can get $20 off. But I think you know again, it allows you to kind of when I say take control, I don't mean in a controlling sense, but to define what it is you want. This is the first step, right and there's. There's a lot of tips along the way about how to do it, and maximize your opportunity to reach your goals.

Carissa Andrews:

I love that. First, you just got to make that decision and start going in the direction. I love that. Well, alison, thank you so much for being on the podcast and sharing your wisdom and your insights and, obviously, letting us learn more about you and your book. It's amazing. So thank you so much for being here.

Allyson Ward:

Thank you so much for having me. It's been great.

Carissa Andrews:

Oh, wow, what a conversation. I truly enjoyed chatting with Alison Hawkins Ward for this conversation. Her journey and insights were not only inspiring but also packed with practical advice for anyone looking to navigate life's transitions, whether you're a parent, a professional or an indie author. If you want to dive deeper, head over to authorrevolutionorg forward slash 254, where you'll find the transcript links to Ellison's work and all of the resources that we talked about today. Now let's talk about you, indie authors.

Carissa Andrews:

We are approaching NaNoWriMo this year and there's been an awful lot of buzz in the writing world, not necessarily the good kind. But remember, as the leaders of our own author empires, it's up to us to decide what's best for our creative journeys, and that might mean taking a different approach to November this year or going forward, whether it's shifting gears to focus on something new or pivoting to enjoy the core of NaNoWriMo, it's all about the love of writing, right? So if you're feeling like you need a fresh perspective this year, I have an exciting alternative for you. My four books, five days course is perfect for those of you who want to leverage the power of chat GPT to craft an entire series of books. I know that AI has been a contentious thing, especially with nano this year, but I want you to understand just how revolutionary it is. It truly is an approach that is going to open up so many opportunities for you. And we're kicking things off with another live approach that is going to open up so many opportunities for you. And we're kicking things off with another live cohort that's going to go from October 7th to the 11th, with a special live Q&A on Saturday, october 12th Plus, if you missed last year's launch, you're in luck because this cohort is available at a special price. Afterward we'll be diving straight into Rapid Release Roadmap, which is a six-week program that takes you through my six-week writing sprint because, honestly, I've always preferred that over the 30-day crunch of NaNoWriMo anyway. So if you join 4 Books, 5 Days, you'll also get an exclusive discount on Rapid Release Roadmap.

Carissa Andrews:

If you're ready to jump in and take charge of a writing journey, head over to authorrevolutionorg forward slash 254 for all the details. And in the meantime, if you are taking on NaNoWriMo, more power to you. Enjoy the process. And if you are doing something unique or different this year, enjoy that too. Whatever your journey is, when it comes to being an indie author, I'm always here to support your choices right. None of us can be exactly the same. We have our own guiding posts that are bringing us to the ultimate journey of our author lives, our author careers, and you have to honor that for yourself. So, whatever route you take, I hope you enjoy it. I hope you have a lot of fun. So go forth and start your author revolution you.

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